Let me begin by saying that I do not claim to have the art of living peacefully with others 100% mastered. I might have about a 50% success rate. But if you are living in a home with others, 50% might sound pretty good right now.
There are six of us under one roof. My parents, my husband and I, and our two little boys who are both under the age of 3. Imagine moving you family of four in with happy "empty-nesters." Then try to imagine parenting (especially disciplining) with 1) your parents, or 2) your children's grandparents watching. Am I painting a picture here?
It's tough, mucky, steep terrain. And I also want to say, on a positive note, I am really grateful for this time. My hubby is getting the chance to go to school and do something he enjoys, I get to have the time with my parents that I missed when we moved away and THEY get to watch their two favorite people in the world change and grow everyday. It does, however, come with sacrifices in comfort both physically and emotionally. Thus I have something to write about.
Rule 1) If you are living in someone else's house, be appreciative. Don't take advantage of someone else's kindness. Try and be helpful and positive.
Rule 2) Don't play the victim, it's annoying. If you're residing in someone's house, it's probably because of financial reasons. Some may be out of your control, but take responsibility where it's needed. People are trying to help you, so stop with the sob story, take the hand up and prove you can move forward. This is just as important for YOU as it is for anyone. being in the "poor me" phase too long will depress you, it's just a matter of time.
Rule 3) Don't overstay your welcome. That means, let their house just be their house sometimes. Go for a drive, go to the store, camp out in your room with your kids (after you help cleanup the kitchen, perhaps). ~This is something that I don't get right very often. I selfishly want the human interaction and have a hard time breaking off.
Rule 4) Make it a win win! Since we arrived here, we've done our best to help with little projects, filtering out things that have piled up, painting, cleaning. I have taken over most of the meal planning and grocery shopping as well as much of the cooking and ALL the laundry. If I'm not having to pay rent, I'm going to work a little harder to make sure my parents don't feel like doormats.
Rule 5) Change thing up. A few weeks ago, things started getting a little tense. I could just feel the frustration and all the words unspoken. So I got creative and made, what I called, a "Do Unto Other Jar." I took some Popsicle sticks and wrote things like "be patient" "give you time" and "focus on love" on them. I told everyone that as they see fit, pull on of the sticks and make it your focus for a while (a day, a week). When we began to lose focus of the positives, we all started getting really irritable. Once that dynamic is established, it's REALLY hard to get rid of. Do your best to keep it light and loving.
Something else I did to lighten the mood was this: We have a bar that became a catch all for all manner of evil. Toys I wanted out of reach for the boys, mail, dishes, whatever was in our hands when we walked in. It was a disaster. So I made a score board. Every time someone put something down there, they got a mark. At the end of the night, whoever had the most mark got put of pots and pans duty. that fixed that. Just find fun ways to keep everyone from getting too comfortable (aka lazy).
Rule 6) Communicate. So you meant to stay 6 months, and it's looking like a year. Talk about it. Give your hosts the chance to reestablish boundaries, talk about new expectation or just talk about how they've been feeling. You don't always know what you're agreeing to, and it's a little hard to change expectations AFTER you've said "ok."
Rule 7) Give a little. So we don't have a lot of expendable cash right now. It's not like it's a secret. But if we are out and about, I try to pick up Starbucks or when we can, throw in the tip for a meal out. It's not a lot, but it says "hey! we appreciate you and we're making an effort."
Rule 8) Compromise, and don't. Be willing to let the little things slide for the sake of peace. Don't feel like you have to lose yourself completely. Not having your morals or intentions grounded will become a big deal. Right now I'm dealing with this one in my parenting. There is a lot I would probably do for my own sanity that I am not for the sake of peace. It's honestly about to drive me nuts! I'm working on finding the balance, and I also wonder if it's worth it now if I could just wait until we move out. FYI, I'm talking little habits and behaviors. It's picking and choosing the battles.
Rule 9) Make yourself at home, kinda. Make your favorite dish for dinner. Don't leave a disgusting mess and wait three days to clean it. Put simply, be mindful that other people live here and are watching you. Don't be a slob!
Rule 10) Say Thank You! No really. People don't usually feel taken advantage of when you let them know you are grateful. Just saying it makes a difference. Really.
