How To Have Healthy Friendships

Friendship is a tricky thing. As a young woman who has lived in three different cities since I was 17, I've built relationships and watched many of them crumble. The friendships that have stood the test of time are the ones built on a good, healthy foundation.

Jealousy is maybe the biggest indicator that the friendship is not healthy. Yes, there are the friends who are jealous of your time and want you all to themselves, but what I'm talking about are the friends who envy what you have.

With all the bashing on social media going on, sometimes people feel like they can't say anything good or anything bad, ever, because it might hurt someone's feelings. That's extreme and unfair.

Complaining and bragging are not the same thing as feeling and appreciating things. 

If you don't feel like you can honestly talk about what is going in your life, the friendship's foundation is not good. For example, after giving birth to my daughter 9 weeks ago, I began to lose weight really quickly. Between breastfeeding and chasing around two other children, I'm burning a lot of calories. I was really excited and shared this with one of my dearest friends. I knew that she was having a harder time losing her baby weight, but she celebrated with me. And I look for ways to support her in her goals, too.  It's give and take.

The wrong reaction would have been her turning it back to herself, like "Oh you're so lucky. I wish I could do that. I hope I can.. I want.. I.. I... I.." That would have made me feel guilty for that little success. You should never feel guilty for good things happening in your life. You should feel thankful and humble. 

It also would have been wrong of me to list all the things I was doing to lose the weight. That would have made her feel bad. I want my friends to know I accept them and love the regardless of their imperfections.

If you've got relationships that you don't feel work this way, should you cut them out of your life? Not necessarily. Friendships are built on patterns, and you have the power to change the pattern.

Here's how:
Be the first to empathize. Feel what the other person is feeling, good or bad.
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It can't be that simple can it? Yes, actually it can. We can thank our mental wiring for that. We all want to feel related to, in fact there are neurons in our brains called Mirror Neurons that cause us to copy the actions of others. (Now you know why you pick up weird accents around certain people.)

If you give this an honest chance and it still seems like the other person is not reciprocating the effort, that tells you something. Probably that the other person does not really desire to relate to you. In that case, slowly cutting back the friendship is probably not going to hurt any feelings in the end.

The fact is, this is a skill we all need to work on, because this is the way Christ responds to us. He became flesh to be able to experience our humanity and to overcome it.

Take a look at this parable:

The Parable of the Lost Coin

8 “Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins[a] and loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? 9 And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’ 10 In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

Luke 15:8-10

She confidently called her friends to rejoice with her, regardless of what they may have lost. For all we know, finances were a struggle for some of those friends. But they celebrated with her.

Let's be the friends that our friends can call. Let's be those that rejoice with others, even in the midst of our struggles. Let's be friends. 

Lindarella